My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
a fate I wish upon no one
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.