children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Bootstraps
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Is this a threat?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
God making man in his image was the original selfie