On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Holy moly
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.