I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice