The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
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Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”