Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Meow
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Whoa 😂
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.