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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
He wanted to make sure😂
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”