“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors