I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Finally, a door that understands me
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.