cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.