Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad