Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
You Might Also Like
Put the is in disheveled
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.