Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Lol.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”