yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
how to exercise your calf muscles
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda