Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
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Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.