Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
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Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.