there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle