Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.