My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Cats are still liquid.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever