The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
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An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Stop.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.