[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
The news in a nutshell.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
rise and shine we got egg