Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I really had high hopes for this year though
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Ummm
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral