“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
In space, no one can hear…
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.