Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My dog learned how to text
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Oh my God.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Note to self: I am a note