I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.