Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.