high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Holy crap this is wonderful
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.