“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?