Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”