😬
You Might Also Like
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*