flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped