With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*mops up wine with cat*
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.