Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
jesus christ confetti not now
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Salad is the decaf of food.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Pandas 🐼🖤
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.