What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Herpes is trending, good job people
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
We’ve all been there…
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE