Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.