*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.