Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
You Might Also Like
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
#Caturday
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne