interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”