[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
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three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Dishonest mechanic?
When you’re here for the treats.
What even happened today?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit