I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Everyone’s family
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week