I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.