“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
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My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Children of the corn 🌽
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
😲 WTF? 😆
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.