Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance