Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’m literally crying
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi