Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”