In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I falcon love using swear birds
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Sharon I have some bad news
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…