Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying