You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
You Might Also Like
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴