Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Art by Pastelkatto
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena