Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.